Dear Rocko,

It's very likely nobody will ever read this, but I want the whole wide world to know what an amazing dog you were. You loved everyone unconditionally, you never judged, and you stole unattended food every chance you got. You are my best friend, and I love you more than anything in the world.

It was hard to watch you get sick, and I couldn't stand the idea of letting you go. You were such a trooper, and you were the one comforting me through this whole thing. I hope i was able to return the favor, even just a little. I love you so much Poodie.

You really were the best dog ever.

Love Forever,
Me

Monday's Mental Note:

Dear Self,
Practice your fucking piano. Jerk.

<3
Self

Irrational Fear Friday! Aye eye,eye

In an effort to motivate myself into writing in this thing on a regular basis I've come up with an awesome weekly installment where I will tell you about my irrational fears!

This Week: My Eyeballs Might Fall Out.

Yup. I'm really afraid of that. Just the thought of my eyes falling out or losing an eye makes me all woozy and I go out of my way to make sure it doesn't happen, and I make sure to avoid anything on tv involving eyes.

I don't go into questionable airlocks on spaceships

Shutup that does too look like space.

I don't play with sharp sticks. As a matter of fact I wont let any sticks near my face ever. Mascara wands being the exception. I'm still overly cautious when I use them though.

And don't point your finger in my face. I'll break it. Not because I'm angry, but so I won't lose an eye.

Don't pretend like you all don't think about this. I use my eyes a lot. Every day as a matter of fact and I would turn into a pile of self-pitty should they ever fall out of my face.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go pad all eye-level corners in my house with foam.

Dear Feet,

I recently got a pair of Vibram 5 Finger Performa shoes. Aside from a few really small issues, they are quite possibly the best gym shoe ever. They are like iso"toe"ners (GET IT?!) for your feet!

The leather is super soft, and once you get them on it's almost like wearing nothing at all. This is awesome for me because I hate wearing shoes of almost any sort. Sure I'll bust out a cute pair of heels every once in a while, but I prefer flip flops or bare feet (or penguin slippers in the winter).

I'm all about comfort, and breaking in a pair of sneakers at the gym this past couple of weeks has been pure torture. In that respect the performa gained an epic win over sneakers. I could feel my toes :)  There is virtually no massive breaking in to do. No toe cramps. No blisters. No tripping over massive sneakers for my massive feet.

Now, since a review can't be all positive, here are the issues I've had with them, although incredibly minor:

1. My feet are huge. If I was a man this would mean a very large penis, but I'm not a man so all it means is difficulty finding shoes that fit right (thank GOD it doesn't mean a massive vagina :D ). I got the largest size performa and it all fit's very well on the left foot, except for the pinky toe. I'm hoping the leather stretches a bit to help with this. The same on the right foot except it's the pinky toe and it's neighbor. In the future I would likey get a pair of Mocs. They are the men's performa and come in bigger sizes.

4 Out of 5 Toes Recommend the Performa

2. The price. They were $110 dollars (I put them on my credit card). I love them, but for that price I wish I could wear them more places, which brings me to my last point...

3. They are inside only shoes. :(  Part of what makes them so comfortable makes them unsuitable for outside wear. I mean, you could probably wear them to the grocery store, but you better hope there arent any sharp rocks in the parking lot. Luckily, Vibram makes other models of the 5 finger that are more suited to the outside world. They are not as cute however.

So overall I give the performa a big thumbs up. They kick the pants off of sneakers at the gym, and if I treat them right I think they'll be a great investment.

And I would and will definately get a second pair. :)

Dear Fucking Bitch,

That's right I called you a fucking bitch. You cut me off to get in line at the drive thru at dunkin donuts this morning, and here are all the reasons why you are a fucking bitch:


1. I was there first. I pulled into that parking lot before you did, and was waiting patiently to pull into line. I let a taxi go before me because, well, I'm nice.

2. You pulled in after the taxi, and had stopped to text or fish around in your purse. You weren't going, and I otherwise would have let you go too but you were too busy dicking around to drive.

3. I pulled the nose of my car into the line, and gave you a little wave to let you know "hey, I was here first so I'm getting in line. How’s your morning been?" I believe I even smiled a bit, and that is no small task for me. You proceed to return my friendly gesture by throwing a hissy fit in your car.

4. Your car was a mini-cooper. That makes you an asshole automatically, but to make matters worse you used the smallness of your car to FUCKING CUT ME OFF!!??!! You pulled up so your driver's door was in front of the nose of my car. Wow, you're so awesome. You continued your hissy fit. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to not T-bone your car on purpose??



This is when I lost it. An ugly ginger bitch in a red minicooper was just a complete fucking dick to me, why? Because I would have been one car in front of her? Why not just a friendly gesture to say "hey, can I go?" or a point to your watch to say "I'm late so can I cut?" I had nothing but time this morning, and while I don't always look it I'm a nice person. I would have been happy to let you go if you weren't such a cunt about it.

But you weren't so now I think the following:

You're an ugly ginger cunt bitch. I hope your ugly ginger freckles are skin cancer, and I hope you die a slow horrible death from them. But not before an angry shark sodomizes you.

Hate,
The otherwise nice person you cut off today.



To the masses: If you see her please cut her off every chance you get. I'm sure god will thank you for it.