Wednesday's Lobster

There comes a time in every person's life when they realize that they too can help make a difference in a life...

Yes, for less than the cost of your morning coffee you too can help blind drawing lobsters go from this:

To this:

Won't you please consider making your pledge today? Jackie would approve.

Drawing Blind Wednesday

Blind drawing is exactly what it sounds like. Close your eyes + draw a picture = Instant Funny. It's basic math really...

I thought I'd kick off blind drawing wednesday with a portrait of my blind boyfriend.

Hi Honey, Luuuuuuuuuv Yooooooooou.

Definately a resemblance.

Dear Rocko,

It's very likely nobody will ever read this, but I want the whole wide world to know what an amazing dog you were. You loved everyone unconditionally, you never judged, and you stole unattended food every chance you got. You are my best friend, and I love you more than anything in the world.

It was hard to watch you get sick, and I couldn't stand the idea of letting you go. You were such a trooper, and you were the one comforting me through this whole thing. I hope i was able to return the favor, even just a little. I love you so much Poodie.

You really were the best dog ever.

Love Forever,
Me

Monday's Mental Note:

Dear Self,
Practice your fucking piano. Jerk.

<3
Self

Irrational Fear Friday! Aye eye,eye

In an effort to motivate myself into writing in this thing on a regular basis I've come up with an awesome weekly installment where I will tell you about my irrational fears!

This Week: My Eyeballs Might Fall Out.

Yup. I'm really afraid of that. Just the thought of my eyes falling out or losing an eye makes me all woozy and I go out of my way to make sure it doesn't happen, and I make sure to avoid anything on tv involving eyes.

I don't go into questionable airlocks on spaceships

Shutup that does too look like space.

I don't play with sharp sticks. As a matter of fact I wont let any sticks near my face ever. Mascara wands being the exception. I'm still overly cautious when I use them though.

And don't point your finger in my face. I'll break it. Not because I'm angry, but so I won't lose an eye.

Don't pretend like you all don't think about this. I use my eyes a lot. Every day as a matter of fact and I would turn into a pile of self-pitty should they ever fall out of my face.

Now if you'll excuse me I have to go pad all eye-level corners in my house with foam.

Dear Feet,

I recently got a pair of Vibram 5 Finger Performa shoes. Aside from a few really small issues, they are quite possibly the best gym shoe ever. They are like iso"toe"ners (GET IT?!) for your feet!

The leather is super soft, and once you get them on it's almost like wearing nothing at all. This is awesome for me because I hate wearing shoes of almost any sort. Sure I'll bust out a cute pair of heels every once in a while, but I prefer flip flops or bare feet (or penguin slippers in the winter).

I'm all about comfort, and breaking in a pair of sneakers at the gym this past couple of weeks has been pure torture. In that respect the performa gained an epic win over sneakers. I could feel my toes :)  There is virtually no massive breaking in to do. No toe cramps. No blisters. No tripping over massive sneakers for my massive feet.

Now, since a review can't be all positive, here are the issues I've had with them, although incredibly minor:

1. My feet are huge. If I was a man this would mean a very large penis, but I'm not a man so all it means is difficulty finding shoes that fit right (thank GOD it doesn't mean a massive vagina :D ). I got the largest size performa and it all fit's very well on the left foot, except for the pinky toe. I'm hoping the leather stretches a bit to help with this. The same on the right foot except it's the pinky toe and it's neighbor. In the future I would likey get a pair of Mocs. They are the men's performa and come in bigger sizes.

4 Out of 5 Toes Recommend the Performa

2. The price. They were $110 dollars (I put them on my credit card). I love them, but for that price I wish I could wear them more places, which brings me to my last point...

3. They are inside only shoes. :(  Part of what makes them so comfortable makes them unsuitable for outside wear. I mean, you could probably wear them to the grocery store, but you better hope there arent any sharp rocks in the parking lot. Luckily, Vibram makes other models of the 5 finger that are more suited to the outside world. They are not as cute however.

So overall I give the performa a big thumbs up. They kick the pants off of sneakers at the gym, and if I treat them right I think they'll be a great investment.

And I would and will definately get a second pair. :)

Dear Fucking Bitch,

That's right I called you a fucking bitch. You cut me off to get in line at the drive thru at dunkin donuts this morning, and here are all the reasons why you are a fucking bitch:


1. I was there first. I pulled into that parking lot before you did, and was waiting patiently to pull into line. I let a taxi go before me because, well, I'm nice.

2. You pulled in after the taxi, and had stopped to text or fish around in your purse. You weren't going, and I otherwise would have let you go too but you were too busy dicking around to drive.

3. I pulled the nose of my car into the line, and gave you a little wave to let you know "hey, I was here first so I'm getting in line. How’s your morning been?" I believe I even smiled a bit, and that is no small task for me. You proceed to return my friendly gesture by throwing a hissy fit in your car.

4. Your car was a mini-cooper. That makes you an asshole automatically, but to make matters worse you used the smallness of your car to FUCKING CUT ME OFF!!??!! You pulled up so your driver's door was in front of the nose of my car. Wow, you're so awesome. You continued your hissy fit. Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to not T-bone your car on purpose??



This is when I lost it. An ugly ginger bitch in a red minicooper was just a complete fucking dick to me, why? Because I would have been one car in front of her? Why not just a friendly gesture to say "hey, can I go?" or a point to your watch to say "I'm late so can I cut?" I had nothing but time this morning, and while I don't always look it I'm a nice person. I would have been happy to let you go if you weren't such a cunt about it.

But you weren't so now I think the following:

You're an ugly ginger cunt bitch. I hope your ugly ginger freckles are skin cancer, and I hope you die a slow horrible death from them. But not before an angry shark sodomizes you.

Hate,
The otherwise nice person you cut off today.



To the masses: If you see her please cut her off every chance you get. I'm sure god will thank you for it.

Dear KFC, Really?!

So, since the KFC and Taco Bell are one in the same in my area, and I had a craving for a chalupa and a diet soda the size of my arm yesterday, I had the distinct "pleasure" of discovering this little nugget of mind-blowing brain fuckery...

Ready for it?

Yes. Eat Breasts to save Breasts. Wow... Just wow...

When I'm about to order my carcenogen / hormone loaded chicken feast-o-shame I don't really need the image of tumors and chemo dancing in my brain. I just don't.

Also, pink chicken may have salmonilla. Cooking 101.

What a day.

So today, I got to teach a client how to resize her desktop. it went like this...

Me: ...and Voila, the icons are smaller now.
Her: Well now I can't read them.
Me: Well you only have 3 screen settings. This one, the large one you just had, and an even larger setting.
Her: What about the last time you were here?
Me: You mean when we wound up back at the middle setting?
Her: Yeah.
Me: That's the setting you didn't like.
Her: Well this is too small.
Me: But you think the other one is too lar.... You know what. I'm just going to put it back to where it was.
Her: That's PERFECT!
Me: *death gurgle*

So yeah...

Then I went to make a strawberry cheesecake for my coworker's birthday tomorrow. And this happened:

Yup. he ate the strawberries. awesome. Plain cheesecake it is, I guess.

Dear Blog,

Damn you, crockpot. Damn you.

So.... Got a crockpot for my birthday. It's a little bit of wonderful. Everything I've made have been tasty & delicious, but i am worried it's getting out of hand.  Today I considered making breakfast in it. Yup. Crockpot Breakfast. I've gone too far. Breakfast is so easy to make. It never takes a long time. But I've decided I am too lazy to scramble eggs at 7:30, so why don't I just do it tonight and let mr. crockpot do all the work for me....

Did I also mention I got a Kcup Machine for my birthday? It's love.

Am I crazy? I can't tell anymore.

Here is a list of projects I've attempted to start and have yet to finish.

1. Learn Japanese.
2. Read all of grimm's fairy tales.
3. Learn to play piano.
4. Watch Lost.
5. A paint by numbers of puppies and flowers. I didn't make this one up. I promise.
6. Fold my laundry (this epic battle has been on-going for about 10 years)
7. Throw away some of my junk.
8. Write amusing blogs.
9. Sew pretty dresses.

None of these are finished but plenty of money has been spent on the quest.

Which brings me to my next point... Am I a hoarder? The boyfriend is making me go through some old bins of clothing and stuff and throw out shit I don't need. Apparently at some point I thought it was important, but what the hell did I need with a half finished velvet coloring poster, dead batteries, and a pokemon pencil topper, not to mention clothing I'll never ever fit into again ever.

At some point I decided i needed those things enough to put them in a smelly plastic tote so I could go through them and ponder my own sanity. A broken candle in the shape of a dragon and a dirty sock from 7+ years ago? Really? But I guess what I'm trying to say is... god I love cadbury creme eggs.

Dear The Oscars,

Who cares?

Answer: Not me.

Maybe I should stop worrying about these entries being letters?

I thought up a million awesome things to put in a blog entry, but I couldn't think of a way to make them open letters, and now I can't even remember the awesome that was supposed to belong to this blog in the first place.

So yeah, My brain is broken. And I'm pretty sure I want to push my boyfriend into a perpetual fall down an up escalator. Here's why:

him "I don't mean to sound like a control freak but run any new perfumes and stuff by me first"
me "Wow, those words didn't just come out of your face right now"
him "There's no need to be a bitch over this"
My face then did this:

Anywho, my point is you should really watch Ponyo. What a great movie. It totally made me forget about the fact that I have no face. Oh! A letter:

Dear Face,
I miss you and can't wait for you to grow back. Maybe we can watch Ponyo together. I think you would like it.
Love,
H

Dear Great China,

People might not know who you are, but I do. You make a dog toy that my dog just loves. We call it the Lobstie, as seen here:

Now, word on the street is that you're no longer making Lobstie, and I have to tell you the utter pit of panic and despair I fell into when I heard this. I ordered 10 lobsties that very same day!

I don't think Ripley can live without his Lobstie. Lobstie is the goldfish that parents buy little kids when the old goldfish dies. Lobstie was the highlight of Christmas morning. He is a constant, and I can't have Ripley's little dog-heart broken. I can't tell him the truth about Lobstie.

Please continue to make Lobstie. Forever.

Love,
H & Ripley

Dear Hot Topic,

Stop Destroying Lives.


That is all.

Dear Motivation,

Where the hell were you yesterday? We hung out all morning, having a good time getting shit done, and you just up and quit on me at around 3pm. That wasn't cool. You left me hanging with all that other stuff I had to do, and you know what, Motivation, it didn't get done. I was so sad you left I put on my jammies and said "To hell with it!" and watched movies for the rest of the night. This seems to be a pattern with you.

Well, I've had it. As of today you are no longer my BFF. I am unfriending you on facebook and deleting you from my cellphone. I want your half of the FRIENDS 4 EVER heart necklace back. I bought it to give to my BFF and that isn't you. I'm giving it to Sloth. My New BFF. Sloth watches movies with me and likes to just hang out and do nothing all day. Boy am I glad I have a friend like that just in time for sunday!

Your No-longer-BFF,
H

Dear Blog,

It's been a while. How have you been? I hope our non-existant readers are treating you well. Anywho, it has been quite a bit since my last entry and I have a ton of mini-letters pent up, like this one:

Dear Face,

How is it possible that your skin be dry and have a greezy zit at the same time?!

Please teach me to multitask.

Love,
Self.

Anywho, I promise to write in you more often dearest blog. I have stuff to say about stuff and it is only right that you be the vehicle I use to say it. That and I want to record how witty I am for all eternity.

Love,
H

P.S. Remind me to tell you about my fantabulous new 80s haircut.

Dear eHarmony Personality Test,

Usually every year about this time I like to take your personality test. You see, ever since I started taking that test I've been told that I am unmatchable and nobody likes me and I smell (ok I made that up), so look elsewhere!


Boy was I in for a shock when I wasn't told to go shit in a hat this year! This means one of two things:

1) I am becoming more like everyone else (please flying spaghetti monster, let this not be).
or
2) People are becoming more like me, to which I childishly say Stop copying me!

I did, however, get a good laugh at my personality profile. Lets take a peek at some of the highlights:

Agreeableness: Usually Taking Care of Yourself
Words to describe you: Perceptive, Realistic, Demanding, Down-to-Earth, Hardnosed, Judgmental, Pragmatic, Skeptical

Apparently I am Selfish and an Asshole. Well, you have me pegged here eHarmony. I am a jerk. At least I can admit it on a questionaire. I am a little curious as to who you would match a selfish jerk with though... another selfish jerk or a doormat?

Openness: Curious
Words that describe you: Original, Inventive, Thinker, Eccentric, Avant-Garde, Out-of-Touch, Unique

Thanks! I think.... I'm not sure that those are all complimets though. could you clear that one up please, eHarmony.

Emotional Stability: Responsive
Words that describe you: Open, Too Sensitive, Candid, Unguarded

Responsive is just polite for bat-shit crazy. Watch out for this one boys, if you do something she doesn't like she'll getcha! Or cry a lot. Either one sucks.


Well, that's about it. Oh, you also told me I was "flexible" when it came to attending to my responsibilities (read as probably won't complete them). That's a true story though.

Anywho, this is boring now and Lost is on.

Laters,
Me

Dear The Weekend,

Why must you be so short? Is it just me or does anyone else think your work to weekend ratio is kinda lopsided? You toy with us with the exciting prospect of 2 days in a row to relax, but in reality they are really 2 days to catch up on chores, errands, and funtime acitvites that actually make me more tired.

In summation, Weekend you are not long enough. I need a weekend from my weekend.

Mixed Emotionally Yours,
Me

Dear Wendy,

Where the hell do you get off?! $7 for a shit-burger. For shame. I'll have you know I can get an even shittier burger from BK for $2 less. And I did. So there.

Hate,
Me

So my friend and I went on a trip while on a trip to the mall. The crass consumerism just kind of hits you in the face when your senses are on high alert like that. The smells, sounds, colors.... yuck. just yuck.

We sat in the food court over Manchu wok pretty much just passing judgment on everyone and everything. Then we laughed so hard we cried when mall staff tried to make an announcement but it was drowned out by the very same sensory overload they strived to create. And by that I mean do we really need 10 plasma screen tvs in the food court? Since when did we need a tv around every corner to distract us from our own though process?

In the meantime, I'll bet that announcement was pretty important. Oh wells.

From there we decided that the mall needed a coffin store and realized that CVS could double as an advent calendar.

Then..... Mischievous Cheeseburger Fun Quest. Yes, it was as awesome as it sounds. That was when we realized that wendy's doesn't actually place any real value on their other menu items and BK kicks all y’alls asses up and down the street. Especially when you're trying to get your boyfriend the best cheeseburger possible for $5. Enter the Quadruple stacker. You can't even say it without giggling and that's what makes it great.

So we emerged victorious from our quest with cheeseburger in tow, reminisced about MC Kids The Terrible Nintendo Game (not the official title, but it should be), and watched Wall-E.

In summary: Humanity is doomed, but at least I have a cupcake in a cup.

Fisticup Revisited

So apparently everyone everywhere has sold out of the fisticup mug.

Me + Coffee - Fisticup = Kinda Sad.

Dear Sunsilk Winter Collection Shampoo,

I got you in my stocking for christmas, and at first I thought "Oh good. More shampoo." It wasn't an overly excited feeling, but it was one of appreciation and gratitude.

Then I got to try you....

Marry Me Sunsilk Winter Shampoo. The way you moisturize my hair, the way you fight static electricity, but mostly the way you smell. It's the same sensation in the back of my nose that I get when it's ultra cold and snowing, except I'm in my nice warm shower.


I am in love with you. I just though you should know.

<3
Holly

Dear Fisticup,

HOW DO I NOT OWN YOU?!

I just wanted to let you know that someday I will be drinking coffee out of your face-smashing amazingness. I can only imagine that the deathgrip you can get on this mug makes the coffee taste better.

A Fan Forever,
Holly

Ok, So This Isn't a Letter...

I am having a good day. Just thought you all should know. First, I got work done. Bonus. Also, I wrote an open letter to a guy that keeps posting in the men seeking women section of CL. You can read it here. I would just like to announce that I crack me up sometimes. Lolz @ racecar bed.

Also, I saw Lost (lawst if you're from bawston). And OH EM EFFING JEE!!! I will be glued to my TV on tuesday nights. My theory is a demi-god pissing contest on spaceship island. Or it's all taking place in Hurley's crazy headspace. Whatevs.

Mini Open Letter!

Dear Boyfriend,

Today we had a textversation that went like so:

Me: What time are you getting out of work?
You: 8:30 why are you asking? Cheating?
Me: Yeah. Cheating. Or grocery shopping. They're basically the same.

I would just like to tell you that if you keep it up, I'm going to cheat on you at the grocery store so we can both be right. So knock off your shit.

<3
Me



Soon I will get to go home from work and pet my dogs. But not before I brave the hell that we call BJs Wholesale Club. Perverse american consumerism here I come! Pray for my safe return.

Love,
Holly

Dear Law & Order SVU,

Why are you so compelling? I could watch you all day even though each episode is basically the same.

Love,
Me

Dear Science,

Why haven't nano-robots hit the consumer market yet? I just saw The Day The Earth Stood Still and let me tell you the carnage I would bring down on untold millions if I had me some of those nano-bugs.

Oh wait, I do have a nano-bug. Not as much potential for doom-bringing, but just as fun, I got him in my stocking for christmas. His name is Skynet Mini T. Bug. But he needs pals. Small microscopic pals that will eat your football stadiums and the entire cast of Jersey Shore and the guy who came up with the idea in the first place.

I'd have the little robo-bug cloud form some sort of scary shape as it decended upon things too. I mean a shapeless mass that will devour you is scary, but a shapeless mass that turnes into a giant t-rex! Terrifying.

So Science, I'll wait. But be sure that bug-like nano robots are on my list at the Bed Bath & Beyond gift registry. The world will be ours soon, Skynet Mini T. Bug, soon.

Hopefully Yours,
Holly

Dear Inner Child,

Why do you make me want to spend my money on foolish crap? Sure getting a paint by numbers or some silly putty or a slinky sounds WICKED awesome right now, but we all know that once I get my hands on said merchandise my imagination will fail me.

The once magical childhood memory of said item will disolve into the reality that silly putty sucked then and it sucks now.

I could have spent that $2.50 on a coffee from Dunkies. Instead I have putty in a plastic egg. At least it still smell neat.

Buyer's Remorsefully Yours,
Holly

Dear New Blog,

I like that my middle name has no vowels. Technically speaking. I know that's the type of crap you probably don't care about and I just wanted to say "Well fuck you too, Blog." I'm supposed to be able to write that stuff here and eventually someone will come along, find it charming and follow me here and on twitter and possibly in my town, with a black van and plans on kidnapping me later.

Spitefully Yours,
Holly


P.S. I look forward to writing in you. Hm, that sounds dirty. Not what I had intended.